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Monday, 23 March 2009

  • Breaker...Breaker...

     

    I posted pics of some of my plants busting out for early spring in my yard.  You can go to my other Art Blog to see them.  The link is towards the top of the page.

    Anyhows... still here.  Each day is its own world.  My emotions like the undulating ocean... each wave seemingly breaking against my sanity.

    And yet I am still here.  And I am still creating.  I vent it here and in my art.  And I am still here.

     

     

Saturday, 14 March 2009

  •  

    Its been a year since one friend went to the dark side.  And I see her online from time to time.  She is out doing her thing.  She says "she's coming back" but her life shows a different story. 

    And the other one.  The one that really hurt.  The one that shattered.  The one that knocked the air out of me.  I hear stories that shes out doing her thing.  She's out with "him".  She says she's coming back soon too.  Hmm.   Not with him she is.  Talk about jumping from the frying pan into the fire.  "Do not become unevenly yoked".

    Its there for a reason.  I'm tired of watching the same mistakes being made.  I am tired of investing in a burning building.  Rowing loyally for a sinking ship. 

    All this time, as mad as I've been.... as hurt as I've been,.. as lonely and alone as I've been... I STILL been hanging on.  In the back of it all, waiting for the time when they do what they need to do to make it right again.  To make it whole again.  "Wait for me"... and I have.  Angrily.  Painfully.  Loyally.  Pathetically.

     

    But I think I am about done.  I get nothing out of it.  Not that I can see right now anyways.  Why should they get to have their fun, do what they want to do  and know that all will be forgiven later while I be the good girl doing the right thing waiting on them to get their act together.  They say they miss me.  But I don't believe it.  It has just become words.  I don't feel it anymore. 

    But I feel something else....  That point is coming.  I can feel it like a bitter taste that gets stronger with every moment.  That metallic spark on the tip of my tongue....  I am almost over them.  Over it all.  Over and done with it.  When they do come back...  when they do get it together.... It wont be the same between us because I am not going to be the same.  They've rubbed too deep... and the callous that remains... I can't see how it could ever come off.

    And I dont' think I will want it too.  I need it.

     

    And I am replacing them.  With something stronger.  Less weak.  Less broken.  More loyal.  More dependable.  More TRUTHFUL.  No more SECRETS and not revealing them to me at the last moment.  No more drama.  No more lies.  No more.

     

    I'm almost there.....

     

     

Saturday, 14 February 2009

  • Have I?

     

     "Have I?"

    Has it become
    such a burden to you
    to be who I am?

    Have I become
    such a bore to you
    that you no longer give a damn?

    Have I become
    such a curse to life
    that you long for us to part?

    Have I become
    somehow deserving
    of the way you break my heart?

    Have I become
    so unattractive
    you no longer look me in the eye?

    Have I become so damn invisible
    you cannot see me cry?

    Have I become
    to strong for you
    that each and every night

    you refuse to even tell me
    that you love me
    all for petty spite?

    ~ © C.Martinez

     

    I am being forged in fire. 

    I know this is only the beginning.  I have to remember when it feels like it is too hard... when it burns my skin and I blister... that I am being forged in fire.  And this is the beginning.  The build up of the heat that will burn off the impurities and melt away garbage and the baggage.  It will not be without its pain.  But I will use it.  I will embrace every coal you press against me.  So tie me to your stake.  You cannot hold me.

    This fire will make me glow.

    I am the phoenix wolf and I am being reborn.

    This hateful pain is only the catalyst to my transformation.

    It is the fuel I will use to metabolize and energize my creation.  I am shedding this skin.

     

    I               am             becoming.

     

    You            wont                break           me.         

    ©Christina R. Martinez



     

Saturday, 31 January 2009

  • Death Wish

    (Sorry if you saw this in my Art Blog... I am killing two birds here... I try not to do that too often.....)



    I have a DEATH WISH......

    Ok, So maybe not THAT  bad...  But I am braving the holy terror that is the   SLUMBER PARTY...

    I am hosting a slumber party in my home in exactly 1 hour.....

    The good news is it's only two 10 year old girls.....

    The bad news is it's two 10 year old girls.....

    Nah...Seriously, wont be that bad.  I have all the requisites.... junk food, more junk food, pizza, girlie appropriate movie, plenty of art supplies, sheets to create sleeping forts/tents, and stuff for them to dress up in (I am going to have them make up characters and make up their own skits - then perform these skits in front of a curtain (ahem- faded black sheet) and video tape it for the parents... and future evidence when they start dating....

    Then tomorrow I will stuff them full of pancakes and the remainder of any sugar-laden junk food and pack 'em off to their parents homes. 

    Sigh.... It's tough being an Aunt/Big Sis.....  

    (again.. not exactly an ART blog... but I have to get my inspirations somehow.   See you Monday!)



Wednesday, 28 January 2009

  • ESCAPE in panthose!

    (For those that also read my art blog... sorry for this repeat posting but I decided to show on both sites.)

    Ok... I have serious issues.  Can one get post traumatic stress from working the "office life" for a wee bit too long?

    I've had dreams that basically include working at a couple of my past employers and I tell them off for their various back-stabbing, brown-nosing, crooked politician like office-politics, and exposing them for the corrupt lying manipulating supervisors and managers that they are....   I get so worked up I have to deliberately wake myself up and tell myself to GET OVER IT and dream about something else.  This usually only works about 6 different versions of the same dream and a hour or two later.

    But last night... apparently I got a little creative.      I was talking with a group of people at what appeared to be a dressy party.  I was talking to someone that I could tell was supposed to be "important" - I didn't really care who she was but was being polite and using my years of schmoozing skills to make conversation.  SOmehow... The next thing you know I got roped into committing myself to WORK for that person.. and the party morphs into an office with cubicle walls made of concrete and the "Dressy" people at the "party" were all actually wearing suits and office clothes and I just didn't see it!

    I realize that I had somehow been tricked into working entire days where I am required to wear a suit and heels (WITH PANTYHOSE!!) and I was already being written up for being late because I am ALWAYS late.  The boss lady was already laying into me for something that she says I did that I actually saw HER do and everyone was snickering about it but when she would look at them they all skerried away like rats.  I started taking notes and realized I was furiously writing away with a crayon... stopped looked at the crayon and decided  HELL NO!

    I literally RAN!  I ran out the door, with the boss screaming at me that I am not allowed to go because I made a commitment and have responsibilities and have to stay here.... but I am in the parking lot now and see some black sports car with the kind of doors that open UP like wings (i am not into sport cars, I am a jeep person, so I can't tell you what I was looking at but it was FAST and mean looking)  I FLY into that car telling something about a family emergency sorry gotta go knowing I was lying through my teeth and just trying to get away....  and I am screeching out of the parking lot smelling rubber from the tires...

    I am flying through busy freeways avoiding head on collisions and see flashing lights chasing me and I am lost (because I am in a strange city I've never been before) but still going as fast as I can.... I wake up right about the time I turn off the roads and go off road in that stupid fast car into dense forest trees.....

    (sigh...) I woke up and was so freaking relieved that I DID NOT IN FACT ALMOST END UP BACK IN AN OFFICE.

    Most people have nightmares about dying.....

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SheWolf

  • Visit SheWolf's Xanga Site
    • Name: My Duality
    • Country: United States
    • State: California
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 1/16/2002

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